Desperate Housewife or Not • Part I

Soon after I dedicated my life to Christ - I was called into full-time ministry. Since that time, I've been grasping at straws trying to pin down what that full-time ministry was. At the very first moment of my calling, I was in college, in my dorm room alone. I wasn't doing anything in particular when all of a sudden I was driven to my knees, tears flowing too quickly for any one tissue to handle, with heart wrenching, mentally debating prayer taking place, and a final utter submission and truly humble utterance of "yes Lord - I'll do whatever you want". I didn't really think about the details about what I was saying "yes" to. All I knew at the moment was that Jesus was speaking to me, calling me to follow Him with all of my life in every area of my life - all for Him to use for His glory, and His Presence was so strong, that I really didn't feel like I actually had much of a choice anyway - and who in their right mind would say in that situation "no thanks God, I'd rather do my own thing". So, the next morning, I changed my major from Music to Bible, and I got serious about learning and following God.

However, my human logic, tradition, and religion kicked in and immediately took over. I pursued the education and steps one takes to become a youth and worship minister in a church. Why did I jump to this conclusion, you ask? Well, because I could sing, I was already in the music program, and because I loved teenagers and connected with them easily. These not only were two areas where God had given me natural talents, but it also happened to be about the only other position than children's minister in the church that a woman could get hired on at full time. For years I chased that goal and got shut down on every side - not that I wasn't gifted or that I didn't see fruit in the churches where I led the youth ministry or the worship team, but rather it was a fight inside and out - that the ministry was a good fit, but not what God was wanting to use me in.

Of course, like most churches teach, I believed that women and church leadership didn't mix, but my heart was full of the Holy Spirit speaking visions for me to be used by God that didn't agree with my belief. I would cry out to God tormented - "why would you give me this calling and make me a woman?!?" Soon, words like "prophet", "apostle", and "overseer" would rush into my mind and heart during my prayer times and I would get even further frustrated. I couldn't respect women in spiritual authority, so there was no way I would ever allow myself to be in that position. I rocked back and forth from despising my gender to despising God for His constant call beckoning me deeper. I fought for years with myself - laying myself down before God and His Word, asking Him to reveal my weaknesses, and to remove my pride, for I must be missing something - I must be mishearing His call, because God would not conflict with His Word.

I contuned my Bible education - I had gotten married and tried desperately to live out my call through my husband, thinking, maybe he is called to be a great servant in the kingdom of God, and therefore I can do the ministry of spiritual authority being his wife in that position without the recognition. This was a great answer for me intellectually, but all attempts of doing so only brought more frustration to me spiritually, and too much more to my husband and marriage. The fact is, my husband isn't called to any type of full-time church ministry in the same way I am - and no matter how hard I'd try to get him into the ministry I was led towards, the more damage I did to him. So eventually, I gave that up and resought the Lord.

You know those times when you totally give up and you are just a puddle on mush with no will or agenda at all, and your doing good to just survive?? Well, I got to that point, and just as I hit total pliability in God's hands, re-revealed Truth was brought to light - not just to me, but to a growing amount of the church body... God was not conflicting with His Word... His Word had been mishandled and mistranslated in the English in a few of the many areas that spoke of women in ministry. I know God was waiting until I let go of my human traditions and religions to see His Word in the Light of His Will, to be willing to value His Will and Word above what I had come to understand with my small human mind. Once I found the Truth barried in God's Word, the conflict was resolved and my identity in Christ became unified with my spirit and the Holy Spirit, and I could finally accept my calling! Finally I had become free to become ANYTHING God wanted me to be!!!

Continued... Desperate Housewife or Not • Part II