Desperate Housewife or Not • Part II

I'm still going to school full-time to get Bible education, and I don't plan to stop until I get at least one masters degree, but that isn't for my ministry or because God specifically instructed me to do so. God allows me to, as a blessing, because learning is fun for me. It might aid me in my purpose later on, but I don't know that for sure at this point. The credentials and status of holding diplomas or degrees isn't a motivating factor in the slightest bit for me, but I am first and foremost a student of the Word in my core, and therefore, school or not, I will always be studying the Bible as long as I have breath.

My ongoing dilema is haunting me once again - not my calling vs. my gender, but the underscoring uncertainty of what exactly my calling is. My flesh craves a defined box to work towards and place myself in - even though I know God doesn't work that way. Many other impressions have been placed on my heart over the past few years - things so grand that I choke on them to say them outloud. I never have sought power or position, authority or control, reputation or wealth - but I have come to be passionate about becoming as low as possible to be used as greatly as possible to whatever God desires, which I'm afraid means something with much more authority and responsibility than I would have dreamed on my own.

The woman's world is harder in a lot of ways, and I certainly don't make it any easier on myself. There's pressure on one side to be a mom, a homemaker and a spiritual second class citizen. There's pressure on the other side to not be a slacker and instead be an equal contributor to society and to my household financially by being out there in the work force. I don't care what people think of me, or how I come off to others, I only care about what God thinks of me - but what do you do when the picture isn't clear, and when it's possible to please Him living either way for the present season in your life?

Currently, I am a housewife - no kids and no regular job outside the house. I'm just a full-time student. That fact eats at me every once in a while. I feel like I'm not doing anything, at the same time, I know I'm getting ready for doing much more than what I can do on my own. Every so often I look for a real job and find nothing. I want to contribute to the household financially like the ideal wife of Proverbs 31, but I haven't seemed to find anything other than jobs that I wouldn't last long in. I don't feel like I'm supposed to do anything more than what I am doing right now - but I want to anyway. I want to dive right into my purpose now, even though I'm not sure what that is yet - fully anyway. I'm so blessed to be in the position that I'm in - to have a husband that makes enough that I don't HAVE to work. His gifts and ability to work with them and earn money are God's provision for us financially right now. And even if that were taken away, God would still be our soul Provider by another means as long as we keep Him first and above all in our lives. He never fails us, but that isn't my point. I ought to be grateful for the opportunity to be able to just concentrate on school, housework, and being a good wife, and on my relationship with the Father. So why the reaccuring inner battles? My whole life, I've been a visionary. I've seen the big picture over the details and I've understood the vastness of God's power over my own. Since I've been saved and called into ministry, I've always been able to see the end results before the steps getting there. But my purpose is one area of my life where I have peices to the puzzle, but I can't fit them together to see the bigger picture. I fight every day with the temptation to go off and start a major business or ministry - not just to be doing something, but to be doing what I'm called to do. I know I must wait on God's timing, but I ache to live out my purpose with all that I am.

Half of me is excited to no end about where I see God leading me to be used so far - the other half of me is terrified. I suppose that's a good place to be in, so that I don't dare go off on my own without God's wisdom and power to not only lead me but back me up as well. I never want to step outside my calling, because I wouldn't stand a second without His protection, provision, and anointing - and the second I would stand, even if I could produce good fruit on my own, it wouldn't be eternal and it would end up worthless anyway. I'm not here to waste time, and I am so impatient, but God is a gourmet chef and we microwave people need to conform to His ways, not the other way around. I work against myself and what God is working in me all the time with my inner conflicts - the human part of me who wants control and to do my own thing, to do God's work my way.

I guess the truth of the matter is that I know deep down where God is leading me, and it's so much more than what I could ever do on my own that my fear and flesh fight against it. Again, I must place myself on the altar and submit to the Holy Spirit's leading and trust that God will be faithful to accomplish what He will though me - in spite of me - and perfecting me in the process. What an truly awesome God I serve - higher than the highest, and above all others! I will get to where He leads me by His grace!