Marriage

My recent anniversary has made me think about marriage a lot the past few days. What makes a marriage?

Marriage in my mind is a far different image than what my husband sees in his mind. I'm sure the concept is different for everybody - each having their own sets of expectations and dreams. Marriage is easy to define in a legal sense, and beautiful to define in the Biblical sense when you discover God's intent and purpose for it. But in a fallen, sinful world, and with everyone's baggage and damage, does marriage the way God ordained it even exist anymore?

My idea of marriage hasn't changed much through the years. When I picture it in my mind, it certainly does not look like what my parents have, or what TV and movie marriages look like - in fact, I've rarely seen it displayed in other married couples I know, although a few older Christian couples I have known have come close. I see a man and woman who are in a dating relationship living in the same house. It's an extremely sexual and evenly balanced relationship of give and take. I also see it as being a very spiritual relationship. I've always had the impression that God was the primary focus, the spouse is the secondary focus, and everything else falls under those two. Maybe this is a very female perspective, because I know that in general men find their identity from the work they do rather than from the God they serve and the wife that completes them. I have no idea what my husband idealizes marriage as now, but I do know that when we were first married - he had a traditional view of marriage, although not very strongly. So in his mind, he thought of marriage closer to the fifties style:... husband works and provides, wife takes care of the house and kids, and the two are life-long companions.

Companionship is important - but in my mind, anyone can be a companion... a close friend that hangs out with you a lot, a roommate, a dog or cat, a son or daughter, brother or sister, etc. Sex is what makes the relationship special or unique from all other relationships... the romance, the flirting, the touching, the erotic flare - this is the stuff that also helps make the relationship spiritual. Prayer and worship, fasting and giving, and dedicating finances, time and energy to seeking to please God as a couple is spiritual of course, but unity in soul and spirit without the body takes away from the bond a couple has with each other and that effects their relationship with God. It seems like the ideal marriage would be where you have one other person in the world to confide in and where you are allowed to be your worst while you strive to be your best. Having one person who sees the darkness in you, forgives it because God has, and helps you overcome it. The one other human in your life who sees you at your physical worst as well as your best: fat, ugly, sick, or whatever and still finds you the most attractive and desirable person ever; someone who always wants the best for you, not the easiest - and moves mountains and endures storms with you to help make it happen. I guess I get my vision of marriage from what the Bible describes and instructs. It seems like a pretty good set up to me, so I wonder why it's not the goal image for most people - even Christians?

Why do husbands jump to the conclusion that when the Bible says for husbands to lay down their lives for their wives, that they should work harder or more hours so that they can buy more stuff for their wives instead of spending less time and energy at work so that they can be with their wives more and maybe give them a backrub? Is it easier to labor your life away than to cultivate a exciting intimate relationship with your spouse? Isn't it simply loving yourself more than loving her when you keep your life busy with doing obligations or everything you want to do rather than include her in them or sacrifice some things in order to keep her a priority? And what about wives... when the Bible says to respect and submit to your husband, do you just think God is just teasing about that? Whenever I hear about wives who are controlling or manipulative - it just makes my skin crawl! And I can't stand hearing about women who use sex as a tool to punish or persuade their husbands. And then there's the ever classic wives who just aren't interested in sex or even touching their husbands, or displaying love in a sensual way. How hurtful. God created us to fulfill each other and to live an active sex life with our spouse - so active, that we're advised not to deprive each other except for mutually during times of fasting. The marriage covenant is based on laying down your natural tendencies to give to the other what they need to feel wanted, loved, accepted, and secure. To not give sexual love or intimacy on a regular basis, is to plant seeds of doubt and dislike in your spouse. Sex is a free marital gift - an open right for both parties - to use or deny sex for anything other than to benefit each other is using it for Satan's purposes.

People get married all the time, reciting a set of vows that they don't even pay attention to - enter into a holy, lifelong covenant with even legal consequences everyday... lightly. That amazes me to no end. I do understand that the contract is breakable... but I don't understand why Christians break it - because in order to break it, you have to do some serious sinning and down right rebelling. I feel sorry for Christians who honor God's ways in their marriage, but lose their marriage because their spouse did not. Divorce is a tragedy, and so is living in a marriage that is not pleasing to God, which is when we do marriage our way instead of His way. We ought to be loving our spouse the way they need loved, and giving them the best effort, not what's left over. Our marriage partner is a gift from God, and we ought to start treasuring that gift while we have them in this lifetime!