Upcoming Anniversary

This coming Tuesday is my 10th year wedding anniversary! I can't hardly believe Barry and I have been married that long already. We're going out of town tomorrow for a few days to celebrate. It should be a real romantic get-away for the two of us, and I'm really excited about it! Ten years is a big deal, especially for us. There were many times when we both doubted we would last this long, but now - my husband is the love of my life, second only to Christ in my heart, and I can't imagine my life without him.

You know how people go through times of trial, suffering, or persecution as a refining tool God uses to mold us more into the image of Christ? For some it may be a physical weakness or sickness, or financial struggles or loss; for others it may be an addiction or sin they have to fight to over come; or for some, it may be flat out maltreatment they have to endure for the name of Jesus. For me... it's been marriage. My husband and I are just about polar opposites in everything - our backgrounds, our personalities, our dreams, our attractions, our interests, our callings, even our goals. For a majority of our marriage, we were hardly ever on the same page at the same time about anything and we drove each other crazy. We were horrible communicators with each other and had major intimacy issues. Beyond disappointment, it was a long period of continuous heartbreak. Over the years, the only thing we both really ever had was a commitment to our wedding vows that held us together. The first six or seven years in particular were so rough that I had to read and re-read Malachi 2:16 in God's Word "... I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel..." just about every day, pray and seek God's hand of mercy, and trust that He would intervene and bring unity and joy to my marriage. I believe in the three "A's" only being Godly justification for divorce: adultery, abuse, & abandonment. But none of these three were being committed in our marriage - therefore we made a promise for better and for worse and we were sticking to it no matter how miserable we were!

And now I'm so glad we stuck to it, because God did intervene. God is so faithful! For the past three or four years, our marriage has been getting better and better every day. Now I can boldly say that we have a really good marriage and I know that someday soon we'll have a great marriage, and eventually even one of the best marriages - because God is working in and through us as a couple everyday. I think of it as "iron sharpening iron" - God's way to sculpt us more into the image of Christ. The more we move closer to God, the more we will move closer together, and reflect His glory in our unity. The more we are committed to honoring Him, the more we are blessed with each other, despite the differences. It's been a long road to get us to where we are now - and I'm thankful for every bit of it - because through my husband, God has shaved a lot of junk off of me, and vice versa for him. We are totally different people now than when we were first married - and thank God for that! Marriage is work; it's a laying down your life to someone else, whether they deserve it or not, whether you feel like it or not - but the rewards that follow are so worth it!

My husband has grown so much in the past few years, as a man in Christ, and as a husband. He continues to grow and change, which impresses me the most. Not only has he become my best friend, but we are learning how to be true lovers as time goes by. This Tuesday marks a mile stone in our journey through life together. May it be only the beginning of a lifetime of milestones of growing closer together! To my husband:
I love you! Happy Anniversary Babe!

Spiritual Retreat

This coming week I'm going on a spiritual retreat... while staying at home. My husband is going out of town - and I absolutely cannot wait to turn the house into a temple, with my own special prayer closet right in the center. We've been blessed with owning a house that's on over 2 acres of wooded land, with small rock cliffs and a running creek. It's perfect for being alone with God! I'm so excited about it!!

This is a picture of a small part of our front yard ↓
We've made a trail that goes down through the woods beginning at the driveway that leads down to the creek. Surrounded by nature on all sides, hearing the sound of the water as it flows over rocks, it's a great setting to worship God in His creation!

For inside - I've got candles and incense, and praise and worship mix CDs. I've even got wine and unleavened bread for a communion service. I know it'll only be myself and Jesus, but sometimes ritual can really usher you into the Presence of God when you do it purposefully. Sometimes you need to build a physical altar to focus your heart on your spiritual altar to the Lord. It'll also be refreshing to read and meditate on God's Word for a change rather than study and disect it, like I spend the majority of my time doing normally.

I'm especially looking forward to hearing from God. All month I've been feeling like I'm on the verge of something - like entering in to a deeper intimacy with God or hearing a clear directive. Even if nothing profound comes out of my days dedicated to seeking more of Him, at least it will be time well spent at the Lord's feet!

I used to have this habit of taking one day a month to pray and fast and worship God besides my regular every day prayer closet time - and it was incredibly focusing, it was very grounding in power and tuning in for keeping Jesus in front of me - realignment and/or conformation. But in the past few years - I have let that monthly God-time slip, and I've really been missing it. It's a hard habit to maintain when you are married and share the house with someone. Hopefully I can use this week as a re-initiation into that pattern.

God has been knocking into my head recently the dangerous way I've been creeping too close to the world - letting it work it's way into my heart. So this coming week will be a week without TV or email / internet, without clients, or the phone ringing - without my husband! I'm using it as a pure time of starving my fleshly desires and feeding my spirit soul! It's amazing how incredibly easy it is to hear God when you turn the world off - slow down the busy-ness and set time apart as holy on purpose! It's like I finally get that God is constantly talking to me, but I am just usually too distracted to hear Him. It's also amazing to see how much more easily prayer gets answered when I am undivided in my devotion to Him through dedicating hours and days to Him without a self-agenda or having to rush off to do this or that! The one lesson God keeps trying to teach me is that nothing that we do in this life for Him equals the time we spend with Him. The more time I spend in His Presence, the more effective I am in ministry - but that's not even the main incentive for me. For me, it's being near to God and making Him smile - that's the whole point. Having long, uninterupted quality time with God is SO important. I wish I had more opportunities to do that, but I'm at least glad I'll be able to take advantage of my time this coming week!

Sexuality Deterioration

There has been serious regression in America pertaining to sexuality in the "normal" human condition recently. The majority of the world either does not recognize God or has Him confused with someone else - either way, modern society that is not IN CHRIST in general has removed themselves so far from God that human relationships are spinning wildly out of control becoming worthless and ruined.

The regression... sexual immorality: promiscuity, immodesty, and specifically homosexuality. This is where opinions will fly and people will quickly jump to a conservative or liberal stance, based on personal standing - Christian or not. Let me get this out of the way before I go further. I tend to be more liberal than conservative - in defining terms:
Liberal

1.

• a. Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
• b. Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of all people regardless of their behavior; broad-minded.
• c. Tending to give freely; generous; generous in amount
• d. Not always strict or literal; approximate.
• e. Favorable to the protection of civil liberties
• f. Consenting with governmental policies that support a free economy.

But not liberal in the sense of:

2.

• a. Being archaic: Permissible or appropriate for a person to have the behavior of primitive humans or being animalistic; seeking self satisfaction to the detriment of self and others
• b. Being obsolete: Morally unrestrained; licentious.
• c. Tolerant of any and all behavior of people; to each their own
• d. Not bound by ethical, moral, or humanitarian codes

I stand on the freedom that Christ brings, not what humanity's free-will has perverted freedom into being - a license to do anything, evil or not. God has given us His Laws - some are given to teach us a "best" way over a "good" way of life, and some are point blank "do's and don'ts" - "way of life" or "way of death" Laws that are not up for interpretation or debate. Homosexuality is one of those non-negotiable terms in God's Law. There's a reason for this Law - it goes against human nature as it was created to be. Yes - human nature has been poluted by sin, and therefore is in a debased state. But that doesn't mean we have to revel in that state, or become identified with that condition as "normal". We have an escape from our sinful nature in Christ Jesus! But those who reject Christ and find pleasure in their degenerate state are becoming the vast majority in this nation, and society as a whole is suffering for it.

For example - the male bond is being replaced with one extreme or the other - unnatural relationships (homosexuality) or estranged relationships (bravado and shallowness). There is no longer a place for true brotherhood among men. I agree with the statement made by Anthony Esolen (Professor of English - Providence College, RI) which paraphrased states that "the breakdown of natural sexuality in society is leading to the death of same-sex friendships". "For modern American men, friendship is no longer forged in the heat of battle, or in the dust of the plains as they drive their herds across half a continent, or in the choking air of a coalmine, ...most men no longer find themselves in situations that encourage straightforward male friendships. ...unnatural sexuality has nearly killed male friendship as devoted to anything beyond drinking and watching sports...." Women are also effected by the breakdown - women who are close friends are often mistakenly viewed as sexually involved, simply because of heartfelt emotions expressed towards one another in speech or actions. The other extreme is the unspoken rival competition between women evoked out of sexual comparison. Are we so confused of the sexual lines in society that we are afraid to imagine an intimate and dependant same gender relationship that is purely natural and unsexual? Is sexual energy so uncontroled that anyone and everyone becomes a prospective threat, and we must be isolated and totally self-reliant to protect ourselves?

Back to the male relationships - fathers are (and have been for a while) afraid to hold and be tender with their sons, and at the same time, those that do, tend to fail to teach their sons to be MEN and the result is often effeminate or gay men, if not lazy or fearful men. The Biblical image of the way men are supposed to be is Jesus. He was bold, a Man of action, self-sacrificing for others, yet tender and expressionate with people of both genders who were close to Him. He did not back away from duty or confrontation - He did not care what others thought of Him, yet He relied on the bonds of intimate human relationships around Him. He took care of those that were His responsibility, and He lifted them up to be all they could be. He was passionate and open, and opinionated (because He stated the Father's opinions - which were truths), yet He was also patient, understanding, and humble. Jesus went about doing the Father's will and pleasing Him. Where are the men that strive to be like Jesus today? To be fair, all people of God are to display these traits, and they aren't masculine characteristics per se. Both genders have a room for growth in the Body of Christ, for sure.

But Jesus was a balanced Man - He embraced close male friendship in brotherhood, which included honest emotional feelings, but they were not sexual, nor did Jesus connect intimacy in friendship with sexuality. Therefore He could seperate the two relationships and be true friends with both males and females alike without sexuality getting in the way. He lived out natural relationships the way God created human beings to be in relationship to each other.

Sexuality is a part of the human identity - but we were created to express our sexuality to only one other human being of the opposite sex (Genesis 2:24), or not at all (Matthew 19:10-11). It may be "liberated" behavior to flaunt your sexuality to everyone or anyone who is not your spouse, or to have more than one sexual partner, or for your sexual partner to be of the same sex... but this kind of liberation falls under the second definition of "Liberal" - and is a degraded human freedom to choose to do evil rather than expressing sexuality God's way. When sex becomes an acceptable and available option for anyone, anywhere, then every innocent and natural act becomes subject to reasonable suspicion. The more unnatural relationships get accepted and assimilated into society, the more distance and coldness will work it's way into natural relationships throughout society. How sad a state of world we live in now - and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. That means that it is just that much more important for believers to become seperate from the world and try not to let the depraved moral standard influence our thinking and drag us down with it!

Mother's Day

This is one of the very few pictures I have of myself and my mother together and actually smiling. This was taken in 1995, about a year after I left home for college and had some recovery time away, so that we were actually starting to have a good time during visits and becoming friends.


Our mother-daughter relationship had been terrible for most of my life. It was a classic case of being two totally different people living in a very confined space together, with one similarity... stubborness - we made a horrible combination. We were nearly complete opposites in our personalities, theologies (both Christian), attitudes, and generations (she had me when she was 40 years old - so there was a definite generation gap growing up). My husband compares her to Ray's mom on the TV show "Everyone Loves Raymond" - only that mom character is not as extreme towards Debra as my mom is towards... well, everyone. It certainly didn't help that I was a difficult kid to her either. I didn't get saved until after I left home - so it was pretty much miserable for both of us until I was 18.

This past August, my mom suffered a heart attack, and immediately under went a quadruple heart by-pass surgery. She survived - not so gracefully, and in no time she was back to being her old mean self again. But before she was all healed up and just released from the hospital to recover at home, I went up and stayed with her and dad for about a month to help out. What a crazy paradox of emotions was that month for me - it impacted me for life! For the first five minutes I first saw her after her near death situation, I was overcome with compassion, concern, and more love for her than I can ever remember feeling ever, she looked so pitiful and in so much pain I would have done anything to ease her of it... and then she started talking - and then all love flew right out the window. For the rest of the month I was mostly there out of obligation, because she was my mother, and not because I wanted to help her to get better. It was that close proximity again - I know it was, it's like some sort of weird chemistry - two elements that should not ever be put together or a big destructive explosion would occur. The waves of emotion would come and go - one night in particular, I remember her needing something in the middle of the night, and as I was getting it for her, I felt so scared that she might actually die, and in the next minute she said something that rubbed me so far the wrong way that I was suddenly tempted to finish her off myself. The power my mother has over me is crazy. Only she can stir me up like that, and I suppose it's because I care.

Anyway, I'm very grateful that I still have her here on this earth with me this Mother's Day. For as much as she can get under my skin (as I'm sure is a universal motherly trait), she also has her good points. I love her very much and looking back, I am glad God created me under her stewardship. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have her to struggle with all those years! :) She's 70 years old now and I pray every day that God will give her at least 10 more healthy, happy years here before going Home to Him.

This goes out to all the mean, abusive mothers in the world - because maybe I'm the only one who will say it to you ... Happy Mother's Day! God knows you and loves you beyond words! He can use any evil or pain and and turn it around for good if we love Him and let Him.

Done

I just finished my final exam today for one of the easiest classes I've ever had - no papers - no heavy assignments - and get this... the final was even open book!!! Praise God! I really needed a class like this. I feel like I've been falling behind (time-wise, not grade-wise) for so long. But I went through this class in record time and I'm feeling really good about it. This was my Systematic Theology class that I mentioned earlier - and it only really took me a little over a month to get through - not bad.

It was a great class for me and most of it wasn't even hum-drum, same ol' facts - it was quite inspiring and brought out fresh revelation to already well known truths! I resisted the temptation to go on study tangents that fascinated me quite frequently. Any class that gets you excited and tempted to dive in deeper than required is a good class!

Now I have a few days of lull before starting my next class. Hopefully I will enjoy it as much as I did this last class.

Praise God Moment !!!

God is SO good!
How awesome He is!!

Words cannot express -
no emotion of love and devotion is strong enough to match His worth!

I was studying God's Word - and meditating on the constant effort God makes to not only save us from ourselves and sin, but to bring us into a close and passionate loving relationship with Himself! And the vastness of it overwhelmed me to being utterly stunned. All human beings are made so that we draw near to Him. Jesus said, "an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." John 4:23-24. I realized that when God created human beings, He implanted within us His Spirit and His Truth. God's Law is written in us - we all know God's Law in our conscience - to a very basic degree, all of mankind knows right from wrong, whether we are taught officially or not. We feel guilt when we go against the moral code in our hearts. God also breathed His Spirit into us personally, giving us a spirit. We are the only created beings that were not simply spoke into existence. We have a connection to God through our spirits that make us very aware of eternal life. These two factors are internal proof of God and His desire to be near us. But then we have another external evidence of God and His goodness - this earth, the universe, and all of creation. It's beauty and complex design, it's every detail and it's physical provision for us is a material sign that God loves us, wants good things for us, and provides richly for us. There is no where we can turn without seeing God's incredible love for us through something! Even if we choose to deny what we see and feel, no matter how much we ignore and make up human logic to explain the evidences away - it is pointless to turn to lies rather than accept and be thankful for the truth, because the fact remains... God is God, and we are not - He is our Creator and we are His creation. He makes the standard by which we all must either live by, or declare ourselves "gods" and walk away from His light and love and into darkness and death. And then how greatly we are tormented by sin until we humble ourselves before God and worship Him again in spirit and in truth!

And to top it all off - God, our loving Father, sent a part of Himself into the physical earth so that we can all clearly see and understand Him - in His Son Jesus Christ, and even died so that we may live on in Him!! He tells us over and over in His Word His desire to dwell with us - even though we are weak and divided and pressured to forget Him on all sides. No matter the barriers we put up or fail to tear down between us and Him, He makes a way for us Him to be near us. Because of Jesus, we can come to Him and be completely freed from the bondage of sin - totally forgiven, healed, and made new!

God goes to immeasurable extents to prevent and rescue us from sin and seperation from Him! He makes it nearly impossible to turn from Him to our own ways - yet we succeed in doing just that on a daily basis, because we do not love Him as He loves us. Father forgive us our doubts and our choosing to believe lies over the truth! Father, thank You for Your love and patience and mercy! Cause me to walk in Your love, and to rejoice and revere You in that love. Let me never put my self before You Lord - not my will, but Yours be done!! In Jesus' name... Amen