Theologian

So... it appears that I am a theologian.

My most recent class is called Systematic Theology. The book for the class looks like three encyclopedias put together in one hardback mega book. My first thought was, "Yikes! I have to read that?!?" Dread filled my mind; I was already taking too long in my classes as it was and I was really hoping that this would be the class that I got through quickly. You know, like you rip off a band-aid. I LOVE reading, but I'm a very slow reader, and boring content would slow anyone down.

I opened up the mega theology book, and began to read the first chapter. Before I knew it, the book had not only drawn me in and got me completely hooked on the "boring content", but it actually defined me right before my eyes. I was absolutely shocked to discover that a big chunk of who I am is considered a theologian in academic and scientific circles - both by the Christian and secular communities. How crazy is that?!?! As I kept reading, the notion slowly dawned on me until I began feeling like the equivalent math nerd who giggled with glee while reading a higher mathematics or scientific textbook.

I suddenly stopped to analyze the situation. Thoughts of the stereotypical theologians filled my mind and I became almost offended with myself. I envisioned old stuffy men from the 1600's or 1700's, who studied the legality of the Bible and reveled in the religion of Christianity, who debated and philosophized over God's Word with other theologians rather than trying to understand it and putting it into actual practice, who wore big long robes, and walked around looking down on the average Christian. I guess I'm describing just slightly more contemporary versions of Pharisees, but that's what I think of. I mentioned to my husband (who was in the room at the time) the fact that I happened to be described as a theologian in the book I was reading, and his response was not one of surprise, but rather a casual concurring, and a hint of wonder at the fact that I was surprised. Hopefully he wasn't thinking what I was thinking of what a stereotypical theologian was.

Never before had I accepted the matter of Church-set creeds or doctines - rather I had always believed that God's Word alone, taught to us by the Holy Spirit, was all the Church needed in written documentation. I still believe this (as in, I still believe that God's Word combined with the Holy Spirit is our Source of Authority on this earth, and that human interpretation only adds or takes away from that Truth), however, it is also a well known fact that God's Word is not written in a clear and orderly fashion, not even chronologically. And for years now, on my own, I have researched and set up by the Holy Spirit's guiding me, a set of topical studies, explainations and amplifications of Biblical teachings, and have restructured Scripture in a written down language that makes God's Word comprehensible to others who would read them. As I thought the matter through, I realized that perhaps what my preconceived ideas of what a theologian really was, may have been only what I've seen in old movies or TV, and I began to remember books that have been written by theologians that have greatly benefitted believers in centuries past and present. People who God had used to re-reveal His Truth throughout the Church age, when much of Truth was hidden. Those people did a great service for the Kingdom of God on this earth, because they searched for the Truth and the understanding of God's Word, and taught it to others, who carried it out in their faith and into the world.

As my mental image was shifting around this concept of what a theologian really is, a few days later, I asked a friend of mine what she thought. She wasn't suprised either. Instead, she reassured me that she didn't see me as a lofty, self-righteous, mental storehouse of Churchianity. But I've always gotten stuck in the assumption that theologians aquire a vast amount of mental knowledge, but their hearts stay cold and they don't live out the life of Christ Jesus that's in their head. Maybe some theologians are like that, but I never want to be like that! When you break it down to: "someone who studies God's Word and learns of Him and from Him in order to grow and teach Him to others", I think of that as just being a Christian, that we all are capable of doing that, and are responsible for doing just that. But I suppose the difference is in the degree to which a person does this. Not everyone is called to the same service or ministry, within the church or out in the world. Not everyone has the time nor passion to research, translate, pray and wait for the Holy Spirit's teaching on each fundamental aspect of Christianity in addition to having the giftings to communicate it to others. Perhaps the closest Biblical term for theologian would be an apostle, and God has already been opening my eyes to my becoming a servant leader in that way for a while now. Maybe this is only confirmation or at least another step towards God molding me into what He needs me to be for Him to use for His purposes and glory! How honored I am to be the lump of clay in His hands!! Lord, help me from being judgmental - let me accept and love all that You accept and love!

Friendships

Among my personal acheivements in growing, is the ability to develop, maintain, and truly appreciate friendships. I have come to rely on a small group of young women regularly for comradery and support - and hopfully I provide the same services for each of them as well. We all became friends at one church, but even though two of us have moved away from that area, we all still take the time to invest ourselves into the others, and meet together as often as schedules allow. In my endevor to reach out beyond my comfort zone and take on relationships, God has blessed me far more than I ever thought possible through them. Each one of them has ministered to me in areas of my life that has been absolutely priceless. I could not ever express how much I have come to value and appreciate them over the years!

In seeing the above picture, I am reminded of the Bible study group of young adults in the church where we all met. I see myself and three of the women who remained faithful to each other... but I am also a little saddened by the thought of the women that didn't "make it" into the group over the long haul for one reason or another, women that very well should have. One of these is a young woman who opted to not reveal her heart to me, yet I feel very much as if I failed her. When we were all together at this church, she and her husband led the Bible study group at their home. The two of them became foster parents to a beautiful little girl. She and her husband were gifted in recognizing new people in the church and making them feel welcome. Year after year passed by, and even though we were never close friends on a deep level, I knew that she was in a lot of pain in her marriage. I could never get her to talk to me about it, and I had no idea the extent of her hurt, the details, or how to help her, so I left it up to her to convide in me or whoever when she was ready. Eventually, my husband and myself left that church and later moved away from that area.

Some time later, I found out that this young woman began an affair and she and her husband ended up getting a divorce. How heartbreaking that is! I wish now that I would have locked her up in a room with me and forced her to open up when I had the chance. Her ex-husband and my husband are still friends, and I hear that he is rebuilding his life, but she is long gone, and whatever help I could have done her in the past is a closed door to me now.

Remorse is a real, but meaningless feeling, because there is nothing I can do about it now, but pray. The truth is, even if I had revealed the little I did know to more of her friends and together we confronted her, or made it impossible for her to bottle up her hurt, or even talked to her husband about it, I will never know at this point whether of not that would have helped or hurt the situation, she was such a private person. I suppose I can take a small amount of comfort in the fact that God didn't lead me to push her about it, nor do I feel like I ignored His voice or disobeyed Him in dealing with her. But isn't it a friend who would act on what they see in their friend's life? I was either not a good friend to her, or I was not what she needed in a friend. Either way, I have learned from that experience. I have learned that it is better to err on the side of over-concern than to procrastinate or ignore something. Maybe I wasn't the one who could help her, but I was one of the people around her who saw signs and recognized that her heart was aching, so I should have at least done more than wait. Perhaps one day she will accidentally stumble onto this posting and read that my thoughts and prayers are still with her. Given the chance, I would apologize to her for not being a better friend.

Desperate Housewife or Not • Part II

I'm still going to school full-time to get Bible education, and I don't plan to stop until I get at least one masters degree, but that isn't for my ministry or because God specifically instructed me to do so. God allows me to, as a blessing, because learning is fun for me. It might aid me in my purpose later on, but I don't know that for sure at this point. The credentials and status of holding diplomas or degrees isn't a motivating factor in the slightest bit for me, but I am first and foremost a student of the Word in my core, and therefore, school or not, I will always be studying the Bible as long as I have breath.

My ongoing dilema is haunting me once again - not my calling vs. my gender, but the underscoring uncertainty of what exactly my calling is. My flesh craves a defined box to work towards and place myself in - even though I know God doesn't work that way. Many other impressions have been placed on my heart over the past few years - things so grand that I choke on them to say them outloud. I never have sought power or position, authority or control, reputation or wealth - but I have come to be passionate about becoming as low as possible to be used as greatly as possible to whatever God desires, which I'm afraid means something with much more authority and responsibility than I would have dreamed on my own.

The woman's world is harder in a lot of ways, and I certainly don't make it any easier on myself. There's pressure on one side to be a mom, a homemaker and a spiritual second class citizen. There's pressure on the other side to not be a slacker and instead be an equal contributor to society and to my household financially by being out there in the work force. I don't care what people think of me, or how I come off to others, I only care about what God thinks of me - but what do you do when the picture isn't clear, and when it's possible to please Him living either way for the present season in your life?

Currently, I am a housewife - no kids and no regular job outside the house. I'm just a full-time student. That fact eats at me every once in a while. I feel like I'm not doing anything, at the same time, I know I'm getting ready for doing much more than what I can do on my own. Every so often I look for a real job and find nothing. I want to contribute to the household financially like the ideal wife of Proverbs 31, but I haven't seemed to find anything other than jobs that I wouldn't last long in. I don't feel like I'm supposed to do anything more than what I am doing right now - but I want to anyway. I want to dive right into my purpose now, even though I'm not sure what that is yet - fully anyway. I'm so blessed to be in the position that I'm in - to have a husband that makes enough that I don't HAVE to work. His gifts and ability to work with them and earn money are God's provision for us financially right now. And even if that were taken away, God would still be our soul Provider by another means as long as we keep Him first and above all in our lives. He never fails us, but that isn't my point. I ought to be grateful for the opportunity to be able to just concentrate on school, housework, and being a good wife, and on my relationship with the Father. So why the reaccuring inner battles? My whole life, I've been a visionary. I've seen the big picture over the details and I've understood the vastness of God's power over my own. Since I've been saved and called into ministry, I've always been able to see the end results before the steps getting there. But my purpose is one area of my life where I have peices to the puzzle, but I can't fit them together to see the bigger picture. I fight every day with the temptation to go off and start a major business or ministry - not just to be doing something, but to be doing what I'm called to do. I know I must wait on God's timing, but I ache to live out my purpose with all that I am.

Half of me is excited to no end about where I see God leading me to be used so far - the other half of me is terrified. I suppose that's a good place to be in, so that I don't dare go off on my own without God's wisdom and power to not only lead me but back me up as well. I never want to step outside my calling, because I wouldn't stand a second without His protection, provision, and anointing - and the second I would stand, even if I could produce good fruit on my own, it wouldn't be eternal and it would end up worthless anyway. I'm not here to waste time, and I am so impatient, but God is a gourmet chef and we microwave people need to conform to His ways, not the other way around. I work against myself and what God is working in me all the time with my inner conflicts - the human part of me who wants control and to do my own thing, to do God's work my way.

I guess the truth of the matter is that I know deep down where God is leading me, and it's so much more than what I could ever do on my own that my fear and flesh fight against it. Again, I must place myself on the altar and submit to the Holy Spirit's leading and trust that God will be faithful to accomplish what He will though me - in spite of me - and perfecting me in the process. What an truly awesome God I serve - higher than the highest, and above all others! I will get to where He leads me by His grace!

Desperate Housewife or Not • Part I

Soon after I dedicated my life to Christ - I was called into full-time ministry. Since that time, I've been grasping at straws trying to pin down what that full-time ministry was. At the very first moment of my calling, I was in college, in my dorm room alone. I wasn't doing anything in particular when all of a sudden I was driven to my knees, tears flowing too quickly for any one tissue to handle, with heart wrenching, mentally debating prayer taking place, and a final utter submission and truly humble utterance of "yes Lord - I'll do whatever you want". I didn't really think about the details about what I was saying "yes" to. All I knew at the moment was that Jesus was speaking to me, calling me to follow Him with all of my life in every area of my life - all for Him to use for His glory, and His Presence was so strong, that I really didn't feel like I actually had much of a choice anyway - and who in their right mind would say in that situation "no thanks God, I'd rather do my own thing". So, the next morning, I changed my major from Music to Bible, and I got serious about learning and following God.

However, my human logic, tradition, and religion kicked in and immediately took over. I pursued the education and steps one takes to become a youth and worship minister in a church. Why did I jump to this conclusion, you ask? Well, because I could sing, I was already in the music program, and because I loved teenagers and connected with them easily. These not only were two areas where God had given me natural talents, but it also happened to be about the only other position than children's minister in the church that a woman could get hired on at full time. For years I chased that goal and got shut down on every side - not that I wasn't gifted or that I didn't see fruit in the churches where I led the youth ministry or the worship team, but rather it was a fight inside and out - that the ministry was a good fit, but not what God was wanting to use me in.

Of course, like most churches teach, I believed that women and church leadership didn't mix, but my heart was full of the Holy Spirit speaking visions for me to be used by God that didn't agree with my belief. I would cry out to God tormented - "why would you give me this calling and make me a woman?!?" Soon, words like "prophet", "apostle", and "overseer" would rush into my mind and heart during my prayer times and I would get even further frustrated. I couldn't respect women in spiritual authority, so there was no way I would ever allow myself to be in that position. I rocked back and forth from despising my gender to despising God for His constant call beckoning me deeper. I fought for years with myself - laying myself down before God and His Word, asking Him to reveal my weaknesses, and to remove my pride, for I must be missing something - I must be mishearing His call, because God would not conflict with His Word.

I contuned my Bible education - I had gotten married and tried desperately to live out my call through my husband, thinking, maybe he is called to be a great servant in the kingdom of God, and therefore I can do the ministry of spiritual authority being his wife in that position without the recognition. This was a great answer for me intellectually, but all attempts of doing so only brought more frustration to me spiritually, and too much more to my husband and marriage. The fact is, my husband isn't called to any type of full-time church ministry in the same way I am - and no matter how hard I'd try to get him into the ministry I was led towards, the more damage I did to him. So eventually, I gave that up and resought the Lord.

You know those times when you totally give up and you are just a puddle on mush with no will or agenda at all, and your doing good to just survive?? Well, I got to that point, and just as I hit total pliability in God's hands, re-revealed Truth was brought to light - not just to me, but to a growing amount of the church body... God was not conflicting with His Word... His Word had been mishandled and mistranslated in the English in a few of the many areas that spoke of women in ministry. I know God was waiting until I let go of my human traditions and religions to see His Word in the Light of His Will, to be willing to value His Will and Word above what I had come to understand with my small human mind. Once I found the Truth barried in God's Word, the conflict was resolved and my identity in Christ became unified with my spirit and the Holy Spirit, and I could finally accept my calling! Finally I had become free to become ANYTHING God wanted me to be!!!

Continued... Desperate Housewife or Not • Part II

Present Blessing from the Past

I recently got reconnected with one of my best friends from my old college days - and wow! how awesome it was to hear from her!! I can't believe how much I missed her, even though I knew how much she's always meant to me ever since we first met. She was a kindred spirit to me. She was one of my first two roommates, we had TONS in common - we were both vocalist in the music department, we were both in a Christian singing group called Reflections together, and as I recall, we were both really into our men at the time in addition to having similar personalities. She was more outgoing though, and was involved in more activities than I was. It seemed like everyone knew her, and those who knew her, loved her. She was one of those caring, passionate souls who was contagious in her love of life! She's still like that now, and I can't imagine her ever dulling down. (↑ This is a picture of us in college - first day in the dorm)

One major difference in personalities back in the day was that I was much more reflective and isolated within myself or in my small pocket of allies. I've never been shy in the least, just way too emotionally independent to need many friends or family. A pioneer spirit, I've burned nearly every bridge behind me in life in attempts to pursue a future without a past to hold me down. Even in churches and schools all growing up - I had a strict relationship limit, and even those relationships were all subject to change (dropped or replaced eventually) in my mindset. How odd that sounds in writing, but I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world like that. Time was most precious to me, more precious than people, so since people take time, I chose to select my very limited number of friends carefully, based on time-management and trust. This particular friend met both fundamental requirements for me - and ended up blessing me far more than she'll ever know.

After my second year of college, I got married and moved away... and my husband and I moved almost once a year every year after that for seven years straight. Naturally, my friend and I lost touch often, quickly, and very easily. So how was she able to finally track me down, you ask? Well, my husband and I finally stopped pioneering and settled instead. About two years ago, we took the plunge and bought a house, which besides money requires a certain time commitment to the location. We planted roots - spiritual roots anyway. We got online (as you can see), we put ourselves out there, we allowed God to establish us where He wanted us. So we dedicated ourselves to longer-term projects and relationships as God led despite how very unacustomed to that as I was. In this shift in my acceptance to embrace committing my precious time into a steady address, I slowly began to let more people into my life that I am now completely invested in for the long haul! I know, I know - I'm growing. And some bridges that I've burned up, I still need to eventually go back and rebuild if I can. I'm a work in progress like everyone else.

So back to my old college friend... I'm very excited to be able to get her back into my life - more now than ever. I appreciate her in a way now that I probabaly couldn't have before. Hopefully and with God's blessing, we will stay connected this time!